US Elections: An Alien's View

Americans are going to elect leader of the free-world in few days. It is not very clear to me, why only Americans? I would like to consider myself a citizen of the free-world. But there exists a great deal of confusion over its boundaries. Some experts believe India to be a part of the free-world, while others do not. My ambivalence over my status however is not an obstacle to my keen and scholarly interest in unfolding events. Who knows one day things become clear and we end up on the right side of freedom. I want to be ready.

Every four years, future of the human civilization hangs in balance. The middle class families who are struggling to put their kids in college, nurses, teachers, firefighters and plumbers, especially plumbers from Ohio and Florida must ponder over the future of humanity. They are the keepers of the way of life. They must choose between baby-killer communists, who can put safety of the country, by extension the free-world at risk, but at the same time can put bread on table and medicine in bottle; and warmongering zealots, who work for corporations but can also guarantee the freedoms granted by the constitution and founding fathers. Does anyone know what those freedoms really are? A huge burden indeed for a plumber.

Regardless of all these superficial ideological differences, these middle class families who are struggling to put their kids in collage, nurses, teachers, firefighters and plumbers, especially plumbers know precisely what qualifications a presidential candidate must have. As a keen and scholarly observer I have tried to list them for future citizens of the free-world.

A presidential candidate:

• Must look presidential. I still don't clearly understand the presidential look but I'll get there.
  
• Must not be fat. It is acceptable if he can run a 5K, but not a marathon runner. Scoring a three-pointer almost landed Obama into suspicions of being overly athletic.
  
  
• Must be church going and good christian. But he should not be a every Sunday regular. That is bordering religious fundamentalism.
  
  
• Must be knowledgeable but not scholarly. A PhD is a definite rejection. Scholars are out of touch old-farts who don't know anything about the problems of hard-working middle class families who are struggling to send their kids to college.
  
  
• Must love baseball, but should come from a place with losing team.
  
  
• Must distinguish between the Wall street and the main street. I think that is the easiest of all. Wall street is where all the greedy people work and main street is where all the honest, hard-working Americans, who don't want to pay taxes, work.
  
  
• Must not raise taxes. Can a candidate taxes? I don't think he can, but I'll double check.
  
  
• Sarah Palin has raised the bar by adding "six-pack" to the list. I am still trying to figure out whether she was talking about beer or abdominal muscles. Given the appalling quality of American beer, I'm leaning towards abdominal muscles.
  

However the presidents themselves are exempt from all the above listed requirements.